Emotional Superstar...

I am an EMOTIONAL SUPERSTAR...guided aimlessly by the little thing that thumps in my chest...loving more than anyone I know...pouring goodness and spewing positivity every chance that I get. With that said, there are few things in this world that can make me cry. But this one thing gets me every time. There are some moments that I just break down and lose it. I mean it gets to the very soul of me...grabs me...won't let go...and for 3-5 minutes, I'm paralyzed...sometimes the tears actually fall...but often they build up and I just can't breath. You know like when you get that lump in your throat...it hurts. But this thing...this one thing...rarely hurts me...it just makes me cry.

It usually starts with a thump...a crash...or a few strokes. Then the other sounds creep in...sometimes slow...sometimes fast...sometimes building...and then it DROPS...or a voice belts out...or perfectly construed words start to flow. Before you know it, this thing has me in a trance. I'm either nodding, bobbing, bouncing, swaying, or sometimes just sitting still...so awestruck and caught up that I can't move. It brings out my EMOTIONAL SUPERSTAR...

As I cry, it doesn't care. When it really gets to me...this thing just keeps going...as if it likes to see the pleasant agony that I'm experiencing...like it enjoys the sweet torture that it brings...like it gets off on my painful excitement...it loves to free my EMOTIONAL SUPERSTAR...

By the time it "hooks" me in...I'm a mess! It makes me high...so high...that I go back for another hit before it's even finished with the first run. It's like I just have to start over...back from the beginning. Once I'm high, I can't help but repeat it...the EMOTIONAL SUPERSTAR takes over...and it takes me away.

I'm crying inside...wishing that every "hit" was this good. The EMOTIONAL SUPERSTAR sometimes craves a hit from the past...dreams it up...goes to find it...and tokes it just like it was mixed yesterday. But every now and then something new peaks her interest...impressed by its newness...engaged by its fresh perspectives...in love with its tune, its tone, its delivery...and most often convinced by its use of language...the EMOTIONAL SUPERSTAR finds a new drug. It knows just what to say...it calls her name.

As painful as it sounds, the EMOTIONAL SUPERSTAR just can't leave it alone. She craves it...and deep down in her soul, she believes that this drug is the cure to many of life's woes. It's her Sweet Escape beyond a Reasonable Doubt. It's like Life After Death...a new B-Day. It is the Blueprint...shows you The Point of It All...leaves you Fearless...because if you are Comin From Where I'm From, you need a little help Finding Forever. Between the 808's & Heartbreaks, you might need Mama's Gun to cure The Love Below. The Soul of a Woman, especially a woman like me, is way Deeper than Rap. Aijuswanaseing sometimes to Get Lifted because Its Dark and Hell is Hot. In a Perfect World...In My Mind...My Life would be Floetic...the perfect blend of words and sound. The EMOTIONAL SUPERSTAR lives to Press Play and hear tales of Street Dreams...Street Love...about men who Get Rich or Die Tryin...and women who just want to Shine.

I'm an EMOTIONAL SUPERSTAR, surrounded by celebrities that like to make me cry. Music is my weakness...my drug of choice. I'm high...

Full...

(11/27/09 1 something in the morning)

NOTE: I wrote this hard copy originally in efforts to not wake the entire house with the beating of the Macbook keys. As I typed it up today, I tried not to edit...so pardon the defects. I can't promise, but I'm sure that this is likely the LONGEST post I would like to make...EVER...but I couldn't afford to miss recapturing a moment of my day...It was worth it...so worth it! Consider yourself cautioned...but I'm sure you'll enjoy it...or skip around if you must.

Love you for reading! ~~ Middy

Pretty FULL...

As I lay in the bed, in the room that my great grandmother slept in, in the house that I grew up in, I AM FULL! I'm overly excited by the day of Thanksgiving and the overwhelming feeling of gratitude is taking over.

I visited 4 different homes today, but within each I goth the same feeling. The feeling that love, family, and dear friends overcome ALL! There was an abundance of food in each house (of course) and though a popular focal point, it was clear that there was so much more going on. As cliche as it sounds, LOVE WAS IN THE AIR! So, I'll give you the play by play...

(rewind to the night before Thanksgiving...)

My Favorite Girls...

I drove for 3 hours in traffic to get to my nanna's house on Wednesday afternoon. I walked in the door to my mom, my nanna, and my dog. We laughed (about my cute...well sexy...but oh so deadly fishnet stockings - long story, will explain later), chatted about the week, and went our separate ways...Mom to Orange, nanna to the kitchen, and me to 106 and Park on BET (had to catch up on my videos!). All Love...

MIDDY loves the kids...

I left home (only about 45 minutes after arriving) to pick up my mentee/little sister so that we could go to New Horizons and see the "kiddies" (check us out online www.joinnhcc.org). After 1.5 hours of college advice and Q&A with the high school babies, college students, and alum...we were off and running again. I dropped my mentee off to our mentor/God-father's house so that she could visit with him, his wife, and their new baby girl, Plummerette (not her real name...but her name in my head...I love her so much already). I came home to kick it with nanna for a bit. All Love...

Because BFF's are important...

My BFF called at about 10:30 PM, and we met up for a night out on the proverbial...but really literal..."town." Plainfield and Rahway (our destinations for the evening) will NEVER equal out to a city like NYC...I don't care how much Goose, Patron, flashing lights, and dj'ing you put out there LOL...but I love my hometown nonetheless! The night was fairly slow! The local "juke joint" was filled with old, married men who drank beer while waiting patiently for their wives to finish cooking dinner at home. And, the Cavalier was packed with youngins. (Sidebar - I had never been there before...beautiful venue, nice staff, management was all over the place...dj was okay...party...NOT MY SCENE!). We stopped for a late night fix and headed home. All Love...

Four Legs and Fur...

I was awakened at 9 AM by my crying dog...(the only child I have right now - thank GOD!). So, I wiped my eyes, grabbed my over-sized Spelman hoodie, and walked towards the door...only to find out that he DID NOT want to go outside, but rather needed me to come into the kitchen and watch him eat his breakfast - 6 slices of perfectly crisped turkey bacon (spoiled, I know). I obliged reluctantly and returned to the bed when he was done! All Love...

Mom and Me...

I turned on the television and was immediately greeted by the Macy*s Thanksgiving Day Parade...a moment of childhood nostalgia kicked in...it was a fabulous day for a parade! Mom heard my excitement and joined me in my bed and we watched like childhood siblings (head to foot in the bed LOL). We talked to my sister and my "favorite" uncle on the phone. I tried to do some "research" for my marketing paper...reading Billboard Magazines...as mom dozed in and out of coherence. Reading was fun, but he large pages and small font got the best of me and I soon joined mom in la-la-land for another 2 hours. Haven't had a mother daughter slumber party in a while. All Love...

By 4:00 PM, mom and I were finally ready to get moving. We played dress up until we found the right outfits...spandex, spandex, and more spandex LOL (not really though...leggings, sweaters, and super tall boots)! It's Thanksgiving, what do you expect?!? Need room to eat but enough style to be dressed for the occasion!

We dressed...I ate my 1 and only "full plate" for the day and headed off to Grandma's house...not to be confused with nanna's house...LOL!

Reunited...and it felt soo good!

We turned onto Bergen Street (the Stembridge version of 2300 Jackson Street) and saw tons of cars (a tell-tell sign of a house full of cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends...or at least we thought so). We walked in and saw that only my dad, my uncle, grandpa, and Gizmo (the dog) were in the living room. Again, a kitchen full of food, a couch full of FULL people! Grandma and Aunt Sistah (yeah, that's her nickname) had gone to visit my cousin/god-brother for dinner. "WORD" is what I said..."let me find out big bro is doing the grown man, holiday entertaining?!?" My divorced but friendly parents and the rest of the family sat, ate, watched tv and laughed togther. No worries...All Love...

I headed upstairs to see my other cousins...video games on the big screen tv, 2 friends watched my cousin as he played...big cuz was Facebook-ing on the PC in the corner of the room, as my 2 barbie doll cousins got pretty for a night out in the other room. We talked through walls, yelled across the room, and laughed ourselves silly. Nothing like a house full of family. All Love...

On to the next one...but was I forgetting something?

I knew that I needed to see my BFF's family, but all day I could feel that something (or someone) was missing. So, I sent a quick text message to a friend and whispered a little prayer to God...I simply said "I miss him..." and moments later I received a message back that he and his mom were about to call. WOW...prayer changes things really LOL...the "thing" that I was missing showed up!

As mom and I said our farewells and left Grandma's house, the phone rang...HAPPY...it was his mom. We exchanged hello's, how you doin's, and extended holiday wishes. She invited me over for dinner...HAPPY. I smiled, super wide, and immediately (in my mind) committed to honoring the invitation. All Love...

Check on Big Bro...

Astonished by the fact that my big (God) brother was having Thanksgiving at his house, mom and I rolled through to crash the party. I stop in, only for a moment, but long enough to see that hip hop really does grow up! The place was gorgeous (my first time visiting since the big move)...the turkey day spread was immaculate...and the house was filled with family and friends. Bright lights, big screens, chunky comfy couches filled with FULL people. All Love...

Eat (CHECK)...Drink (TO BE COMPLETED)...Be Merry (ALL DAY)!

Mom dropped me off to my car (at nanna's) and I headed off into the moonlight...simply happy...very thankful! I headed straight to the liquor store to grab a few bottles of wine. I'm no Betty Crocker, but I never go anywhere empty handed. I made my purchases and received several compliments along the way..."cute outfit...love the scarf...hot boots"...I had done it again...and wasn't even trying. I digress...Off to the BFF's!

I walk in the door, hit by the aromas of all the Thanksgiving fix-ins. I give hugs, say my hello's, lose the coat and the purse! I grab a drink, and a seat and we laugh the time away. All Love...

A Welcomed Interruption...

(Ring...Ring...Well, Jay-Z & Mr. Hudson's Forever Young)

It's my babe!!! (Wide smile...excuses herself from the table...retires to BFF's room to talk to my love...I know I might be the most gushy girl in the world...I know...I love hard!) "I love you" are the first words he sings...my face turns super chocolate red! We talk family, the most recent letter I wrote, my sister's wedding, and how much we miss each other. At the same time, we gush about how happy we are to have each other...it's real...we make a GREAT team! I love him...and I'm happy...unapologetic-ly so! The operator says 60 seconds left...so we end the conversation the same way we started..."I love you" and part ways. All Love...

Okay...I'm back...

In the midst of the call more family and friends stop by. Cousin came in to admire my suede, over the knee boots, and my lil boyfriend pops in to say hey! I rejoin the crowd. We eat dessert, sip fine wine, and enjoy each other's company...kids are running around...adults are scattered in pockets around the house...we're happy and of course its All Love...

"I want the money...money and the cars...cars and the clothes...the hoes" (Sorry...Successful is my alarm...and I don't really believe in the edited versions LOL). That was my cue to head out to stop #4. I say my "see you later's" and hit the door.

What is old becomes new again...

After a 5 minute sprint around a few blocks and corners, I arrive...park, and call babe's sister to come and get me. Time to meet the (new) family...though I've known them since I was a kid. I came in, gave hugs, sat down, watched football, and relaxed. I felt at home...more family, more friends, more kids, more food...All Love...

As we stood and held hands for grace, (as the guest) I started the circle of thanks! Life and family were the two most popular responses...and for me, that's generally all there is! No talks about jobs, degrees, cars, clothes, or money...it was the real things that mattered most. As we got to the last person, the phone rings...so the final thank you went to Global Tel-Link...for making the call come through...It was my babe!

The phone changed hands every 30 to 60 seconds as he talked to all of his family members. When the phone gets to me he says again..."I love you!" and I smiled. We chatted for a bit before I handed the phone over to his mom. Again, we finished the conversation the same way it started..."I love you"...All Love!

Babe and mom talk for a bit longer...after which she invites me in for a few words. We discuss, cry, laugh, and rejoin the group...All Love...

Dinner #4 is served...

Of course, I have to eat a little bit more...whipped sweet potatoes with marshmallow fluff was my item of choice (I just couldn't do another whole plate)! As the Giants lost the game, the family filled up..laughed, talked, children played...nothing but happiness, even with the prior weeks of sadness still fresh in our minds. We exhaled together...it was All Love...

The Road Home...

3 hours, dinner, dessert, and a glass of wine later...I departed! I stopped by the BFF's (again) for a minute, and then home. I took the long way because I just couldn't let the night end without digesting the soul food and the "soul's food" that I had taken in over the course of the day. I was and am FULL! So as "The Lady in My Life" (MJ), "I Wanna Be Where You Are" (MJ), and "Always on My Mind" (Brandy) blared from my speakers...I cried! I couldn't believe my life. I've never been this light before and it feels so good! So happy, so full, so loved...All Love!

I popped in Ghostface for a quick round of "Paragraphs of Love" featuring Estelle and Vaughn Anthony, but 12 minutes and 2 to 3 spins later I still wasn't home. I cried some more and wasted a bit more gas, but it was worth it! I regained my composure and jammed home to "She's a Killa." Why? Because I am...LOL! And of course...it's All Love...self love!

Fast-forward to the NOW!

I parked, came in the house, washed off my make-up, changed clothes, brushed my teeth, and hopped in the bed. Texas (my dog) heard me, so he came to join me in my bed. I started writing. And now, 10 journal pages later, I'm wrapping up. I'm so FULL...still FULL...FULL of Love...All Love...

"Thank You!"

(Looks up...closes eyes...drops pen...closes book...FULL!)

It takes more...

It takes more than breathing to keep me alive. It takes more than harmful words to make me cry. It takes more than money to put a smile on my face. It's going to take more than a few energy drinks to finish this race.

I'm running against a clock, where the final time is unknown but to one. I am pushing against barriers, that if no one ever pressed, there'd be no reason to sing "we shall overcome."

I'm writing to fight the loss of cells, so critical to my existence. The power of the mind...the power of thought...require stamina and persistence...to grow, to hold on, to maintain, to outlast, to outpace, to outshine, to outdo, to show the world that I am the one.

The one who has been chosen...selected...ever so rare...to beat the odds, to take the step, to be willing to accept the dare.

The dare to be different, the dare to be unique, the dare to face failure and be willing to step over defeat. The dare to dream, the dare to prosper, the dare to risk - to earn reward.

The dare to live, and live completely until the day comes when I'll live no more...

It takes more to continue pressing until my time to fight is through. It takes more to be a woman like me...but not much more than it takes to live out the GREATNESS that lies within you...

MIDDY Motivations Volume 1

(smiles...bows...leaves the stage)

I believe you (hangs head)...

As a connoiseur of the "finest" in hip hop music, I tend to turn into a gangsta street king when I press play on my Ipod or turn on the music in my car. I've been caught on numerous occasions by unsuspecting passers-by that appear totally disturbed when they hear what comes blaring out of the speakers of this highly educated, well-dressed, upstanding citizen's car. "It's the King B+-&!"..."Rich off Cocaine"..."So Amazing" (I tone it down sometimes)... "It's me N!**?#..."

Unfortunately, I love the beats, can appreciate the ego...the bravado...the unapologetic attitue...but the LYRICS...OH THE LYRICS...I love to hear the stories. I feel every word that Jeezy growls, every slur that Weezy breathes, every line of silk that comes from Jay-Z's mental factory, and can draw the pictures that Rick Ross paints with his words. I get it! I feel it! I love it! I believe you...

Soooo...I'm a woman of a certain age, with a few degrees (soon enough), a polished resume, a professional disposition (when I need to put it on), and a secret inner gangsta that has a heart for hip hip.

I believe you...I believe in you...Believe me! I'm all in!

Life moves fast...

I'm at work...in a place, that I would have never even imagined I would be. I am currently an intern...yes, a 28 year old INTERN...with The Recording Academy...the organization responsible for producing The Grammy Awards among many other more noble acts (helping recording artists gain access to information, resources, and opportunities...etc.). As I plowed through my list of to-do's...Pandora was doing her thing in the background...and I was compelled to write (finally)!

Pandora belted out 3 Bob Marley songs this morning...reminded me of a dear friend that I lost this summer...Jarronnn Jackson...big homie...I miss him so! And then, Lauryn Hill's "Sweetest Thing" rang out...reminded me of the loves I've lost and the ones that pull on my heart strings every now and again. And then, I googled the lyrics for Jay-Z's "As Real As It Gets" and was compelled to adopt a few lines for my Facebook status...because I truly am rare! As quickly as each 3-4 minute song played, my mind raced between thoughts, tasks, and websites...and I was reminded that life moves fast.

I am one of those people who holds on to every detail of every moment of life...so my memory box is uber-full! The downside of holding on to so much is that anything that happens in the present triggers nostalgic flashbacks that take me to a different place...reliving those moments...wanting to hold them, experience them just one more time...replaying what I would have done differently or the joys of knowing that things went just right! Memories make me smile, keep me grounded, and remind me that life, in all of its bumpiness, is GRAND!

Soooo as I return to my work, just thought I would tell the world to slow down and appreciate the moments, but speed up and grind hard to create even more moments to remember! Life moves fast...stay present...

And the story begins...