Did Wale read my "Diary"?!?

I must admit my wrongdoings...

As a music enthusiast, I am embarrassed to say that I just purchased Wale's "Attention Deficit" about 30 minutes ago. Yes, I listened to all of the I-Tunes clips on the day it came out in November 2009. Yes, I thought it sounded pretty good. Yes, I've kept it on my list of "music to be copped." But, I am ashamed to say, I waited way too long! The entire album is amazing...production, substance, EVERYTHING is good. But, "Diary" struck the core of my soul! Though I blog and tend to be more than open in most of my social networking efforts..."Diary" revealed the inner-most feelings that only my hard copy journal has seen...well, until now!

For those of you who may never experience, may never hear, or may never even care enough to understand, I've included the lyrics here! Wale...Stop peaking in my window! But secretly, I'm happy you shared my "Diary" with the world!

"Diary"

If I told you I wanted to talk to you,
You think i'm try'na holla at you,
And maybe I am but,
You wouldn't hear me out anyway's would you? ,
Rather lose love than to move on never knowing what it feel like,
Short days, long nights,
By the phone, no call,
Need a clear mind 'cause I been blind,got me goin' down that road,
Heart made of stone,
Far away from home,
Black woman you cold,
Every problem you ever had with another man i gotta face,
Started off on thin ice,
im still here but i cant skate,
Slow sink, cant breath, no remorse, dont think,
Listen to your friend get another man for a minute then repeat,
Queen, you deserve the title but she reject what i give, while she nurse the wounds by them,
Tried them didnt work,
Diary of a black girl,

(chorus)
I wonder why i sit and cry,
Wish i could shed all these tears,
Im down and out,
Ill keep it moving and tryna get out,
I dont know how to move on,
Where i went wrong,
I wish i could live with no fear,
So down and out,
Ill keep it moving and tryna get out,
Somehow,

Raised by a momma who, who,
Hate her baby father so, so
She dont have a problem with, with,
Saying fuck a nigga Quick, quick,
Im just tryna be the one who never run, but you run away from me,
Girlfriends man cheat, cheat,
Why not me the same thing,
She cant see in me, what i see in her,
This pain she inherit cant be reversed,
I cant even stay living in the shade of all the motherfuckers who played you,
The irony in that is that i aint even that, but you coulda been these pages,
Wife, you deserve the label but, but, you been hurt before so you dont feel your able,
Tried them didnt work, got impossible standards, nothing that i ever do works,
Diary of a black girl,

(chorus)

See all i wanna do is be relevant,
Just tell me that i ever meant anything more,
That you could ever see me and you in another light,
But its like the dark women indoors in the darkest nights by the wrong man,
see all of them have made you incapable of a first impression,
what it do is i channel my aggression with no cable or antenna,
Just intentions to impress you if capable,
Hoping that the material possesions can materialise to a better you,
Cars, nothing i drive can drive you out of this state of mind,
For such an ugly picture and,
Money, nothing i buy can buy more time for your ears to tell your heart to listen to it,
Diamonds, a girls best frienf is what they say but believe me with the right allegience shorty you gonna shine anyways,
and everyday that goes by is a couple more lines in her diary,
the day before is better than the present,
so anyone presented in her presence is doing these life sentences,
theres no key for release,
no reason to be around,
her minds in the clouds,
she writes it all down,
in her diary,

(chorus)

Clap For 'Em...

Standing ovation for the most fictitious among us...the living story-tellers, the breathing fairy tales, the walking cast of characters...the LIARS! Why? Because they are soooo real!

Complete and total honesty are what I require. No sugar-coating, convenient cover ups, unintentional unmentioned details, minor misses, oblivious omissions, "I forgot," "I overlooked," "I knew you'd be upset," or "I mean - I didn't think it was that important" kind of caveats...I want the damn truth...PERIOD!

There are few instances where the color-lines are even...but little white lies, and big black ones count the same! Be straight...save the curved conversation for your GPS system...I'm not interested in going your way if you can't speak with accurate direction!

Straight, no chaser...I prefer mine on the rocks, as chilled as you can make it...no need to warm or butter me up.

If you can't be honest...I can't respect you. And since I'm not a disrespectful person, it's best that I remove you from my mental, physical, emotional, social, and spiritual space. I consider you non-existent.

For those on that short list of non-existent beings, I am sincerely thankful. You've revealed your truest self to me, and for that one instance of honesty, you ought to be applauded...it's the realest performance you've ever rendered...

A LIAR...the Realest you'll ever be!

Clap for 'em!!!

"Rockstar Lifestyle..."

I'm gon make it...

It's 3'o clock in the mornin in the studio-o-o-o

Eyes haven't shut from the night before

A day filled with fashion

A night filled with music

The gaps in between filled with full thoughts...bursting at the seams!

Feeling like Biggie..."It was all a dream..."

I really did "read" Word Up Magazine...Vibe, The Source, XXL, Essence, Ebony, Jet, Black Enterprise, Glamour, Lucky, Cosmo, ooops...I digress.

Now that things are moving along, I can see my name written on the pages, my picture on the cover...not for who "I" am but for what I've done for "YOU"...the rockstar, the rap icon, the untapped talent, writers, designers, singers, chefs, ball players, budding business men and women...YOU...the future...the right now!

I know God left room in the sky for a reason...we are all stars in our own right...find your candle, strike the match, let the wax burn...that's the only way you'll have a shot at shining...

RockSTAR Lifestyle...I'm gon make it...but I need YOU!!!

Wishing on a STAR...

I'd Rather Be Wrinkled...

DePRESSED is what I was just a few years ago...Everyone knew it but me. New job, back in town, surrounded by love, yet could do little but frown. Tears on my pillow, nightly...Pain in my heart. I left what I thought was troubling me, thought I was off to a new start.

SupPRESSED feelings, pent up negative energy, stored up doubt... all held tight! I was a "Bag Lady!" ...Never really understood what Badu meant when she soulfully belted "paaack light."

RePRESSED dreams, nightmares of failure, fear of flying...thoughts of dying! Where would the world be without me?

I watched the source of my life look death in the eye and come out laughing, yet my dear friend of the same name was knocked out by death's blow...all in the same week! My God, what were you trying to tell me?

...Perhaps that tomorrow is not promised...that life could be cut short...that you control it's strings...we are merely puppets in your greatest "play," of sorts. That we will yield to your power...we will one day have to succumb to what you say. That my line "you are not the boss of me" has no force, no strength, is powerless against the you...that as much as I really wanted it, I could never have my cake and eat it too!

You know, be in charge and play the background...be the lead singer but also fall back with the band...lead the charge and follow...be the best supporting actress and the Star! I had to pick a role and stay in that lane...but give the reins to you, so that I could be close to where you are...So I did!

OpPRESSED by the chains of someone else's empire, constantly conjuring up visions of ruling my own...I walked! Leaving all the chips on the table...for months, well years now wishing I had kept a few. I digress, but it's real!

I met PRESSED's cousin stressed when I decided to study more. Devoted countless hours, hoping to find the keys to my next door. Pushing, kicking, screaming...silently plotting, constantly dreaming...of the life that I'm finally starting to live.

But not to be outdone...I had more things to give...things to ante up, players to trade, items to let go, a few I hated to lose. Shedding baggage is heavy, but it wasn't my place to choose.

The other half of my source proved that there's a survivor in me, while only a short time later my "big homie" for life met his final destiny...became a young angel...a wonderful life made brief. Without warning, sans notice, but filled with such pain and grief. For him I celebrate living, for him I meet each new day with new life, to God for him, I'm forever thankful. Whenever I'm awakened by the sun, I breath a sigh of relief.

No pain, no gain, all smiles, more zeal. Success without struggle is false...I strive to always "keep it real." Unafraid of hard work, unshaken by the shake-ups of life, not ashamed of tough times. I'll admit that "it ain't all roses," but I wouldn't trade my thorns for your dandelion stems...I'll accept hard pain over easy pleasure every time!

I squint often, furrow my brow, and stretch my eyes to see things clear. As a result, my face is not as youthful as it used to be, but I'm grateful for every year. Many die trying to be perfect...I simply opt to be the best me that I can be. Life has become a lot simpler. Little is complex. I keep my clothes ironed, what's left of my hair too...

The world is hard PRESSED to be straight...but, I've seen what it does, experienced how it feels...doesn't take much for me to learn my lesson. I'd rather be WRINKLED...You?